We are not even two weeks removed from the Super Bowl and Mel Kiper and Todd McShay already have a combined 87 versions of an NFL mock draft. Is that really necessary at this point? Can we at least wait for the combine? I do not watch nearly enough college football to create any mock drafts that wouldn't simply mirror their creations. Not mention, if I was a good enough judge of NFL talent to create an accurate mock draft, I wouldn't be writing a free blog. What I do possess is an above average knowledge of sports and a decent sense of humor. I've decided to put both to use and release a series of posts that mock the draft.
If Shaq can do this, why
can't I mock draft movie
stars?
Every professional athlete wants to be a movie or music star and vise versa. This is how we've been privileged to cinematic masterpieces such as Kazaam and Space Jam and the illustrious sporting careers of Kevin Costner and Billy Crystal. Athletes have no problem thrusting themselves into Hollywood; however, the closest a movie star ever comes to pro sports is being fortunate enough to play an athlete in a movie role. Some actors even do a believable job in those roles. What if we drafted actors based on the sporting roles they portrayed? Who goes number one? Who has the most upside? It's a lot more fun then comparing Blaine Gabbert and Ryan Mallet. So here goes...
1. Carolina Panthers- Jamie Foxx's Willie Beamen
It's the NFL version of the age old dilemma, "what came first, the chicken or the egg?" Which came first, Willie Beamen or Mike Vick? Any Given Sunday was released in '99 and Vick wasn’t drafted until '01, so it looks like Steamin' Beamen was the original. Maybe the Panthers have other needs outside the quarterback position, but Beamen definitely would put fans in the stands. Not to mention, as an added bonus, Foxx's character fought with teammate Julian Washington, portrayed by L.L Cool J. This fact all but guarantees an ESPN report by Chris Mortensen on the fight between Beamen and Steve Smith after a slow motion forty yard dash race.
Bonus fact: Jamie Foxx is the only quarterback that T.O ever played for that he didn't throw under the bus.
2. Denver Broncos- Derek Luke's Boobie Miles
Luke has shown off his athletic ability in more than just Friday Night Lights. He was star point guard, Bobby Joe Hill for Josh Lucas' Texas Western team in Glory Road. However, Luke was also the star of the horribly awesome film, Biker Boys. So while he does have a great upside, his wild off the field choices could make him a high risk pick too. After giving away Peyton Hillis, the Ponies can't afford to pass on the best running back in the movie star draft.
Bonus fact: Luke also played Sean "P Diddy" Combs in the biopic Notorious, this adds to his potential off the field risks. However, Tebow should be able to save him if things get out of hand.
3. Buffalo Bills- Dolph Lundgren's Ivan Drago
OK, so maybe Drago was a Rocky opponent and not a football player, but lets take a look at what he's got going for him. He's from Russia, so you know playing in the cold at Buffalo, Foxboro or New York won't affect him. He's giant and a freakish athlete. If he has decent hands, he's a no brainer at tightend. If he can't catch, you could stick him at strong safety. You think the likes of Troy Polamalu and Adrian Wilson are scary when the crowd the line for a potential blitz? How do you think Mark Sanchez would react the first time Drago came creeping up to the line alerting The Sanchize that, "I will break you." There is one potential risk with drafting Drago. The Bills did pick up the waiver on former PED offender Shawne Merriman. Drago’s PED use is well documented too (I don’t think he is taking insulin for his diabetes at the mark of the video).
Bonus fact: Would James Harrison finally get off Commissioner Goodell’s radar after Drago goes helmet to helmet on someone then proclaims, "If he dies... He dies."
4. Cincinnati Bengals- Adam Sandler's Paul Crew
Sure Sandler's Bobby Boucher would probably make a better player than Crew. After all, the Water Boy was timing the snap and jumping over lineman to sack quarterbacks long before Troy Polamalu ever did. But it's the Bengals; they have a bit of a soft spot for convicts. Sandler's Longest Yard character fits in just fine with Cincinnati. Palmer wants out, so they have a need at quarterback. Best thing about Crew on the Bengals is no one ever expects them to win, so Crew won't have to worry about throwing any games.
Bonus fact: Crew handled the egos of Michael Irvin, and Terry Crews (the guy from White Chicks) amongst others in The Longest Yard, so keeping Ochocinco in line shouldn't be a problem.
5. Arizona Cardinals- Ryan Hurst's Gerry Bertier
Hurst turned from clean cut
Bertier
Little known fact... While the real Gerry Bertier, who Ryan Hurst's Remember the Titans character portrays, had his life unfortunately cut short, clean cut Ryan grew up to become a bearded biker for the Sons of Anarchy on the FX drama by the same name. This certainly makes his stock in this draft rise. While he did an excellent job portraying the All-American line backer in the movie, now he has the anger and violent tendencies of Opie the biker. He certainly fits in with Coach Whiz's plan to turn the Cards into Pittsburgh west, with his blue collar work ethic. While the Cards do have a need at quarterback, James Van Der Beek's, Varsity Blues, Jonathan "Mox" Moxon is the best available quarterback and something tells me that might end up like Matt Leinart 2.0
To slightly scary bearded Opie
Bonus picks:
9. Dallas Cowboys- Kathy Ireland's Lucy Draper
Tell me Jerry Jones wouldn't jump at the chance to get the publicity by making the Necessary Roughness kicker the first woman in the NFL.
You're telling me Jerry Jones
wouldn't take her in the first
round?
26. Baltimore Ravens- Quinton Aaron's Michael Oher
What's better than one Michael Oher? Two, of course. Aaron did a convincing job playing Oher in The Blind Side and is certainly large enough to play offensive tackle in the NFL. With the real Michael Oher and the fake one flanking the Raven's line, Flacco would have all day to throw while Rice had gapping holes to run through.
Be on the look out for more posts mocking the draft.
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